“I’m scared”, I won’t be able to”… I could never stand up there”… “I’ll freeze, I just know it”… “my voice won’t come out”… I won’t remember the words”… “How did it go again?” “And I worked so hard to memorize it…”
These are just some of the myriad thoughts we either share with others or keep to ourselves, thoughts we can so easily identify with when we have to stand up and perform in public, in an auditorium full of professionals, teachers, colleagues, peers, students or just the general public. Standing on a stage facing the audience with our voice probably amplified with a microphone, or seated at a conference table, or being interviewed, perhaps by the media, or simply taking an oral exam at school or University.
When we endow what is outside us, the “other”, with the personality of an unrelentingly strict examiner, a merciless critic or harsh censor who demands nothing but the best from us, a perfect performance, we are creating a bogeyman, a monster which is anything but human.
In the social sphere, where we relate to others and according to just who these others are, we are constantly aware that our privacy and our whole being are at risk, a feeling which can be very intense at times or manageable at others. This painful experience which we find so intimidating, invaded by a sense of anguish and panic which brings us out in a sweat, trembling, breathing shallow and heart racing has very little to do with what is really out there. It is all part of our imagination.
Self-esteem and how to build it
It is our own subjective perception of ourselves, hence, our imagination, which endows external reality with personalized emotional significance. This self-perception is the result of the way we build our identity throughout the different stages in our lives. It is self-esteem.
Paradoxically, it would seem that the result of this unavoidable relationship with the real external world which shapes us as people at some point becomes the reason for all our ills and woes, although we have no idea why this should be. Our self-esteem is a thermometer which fails to take our temperature correctly and thus confuses us, prompting us to make the wrong diagnosis of what ails us, and what is worse, of what is happening to us in that external reality where we live. The way in which we have absorbed our subjective valuation of ourselves into our psyche is how we see ourselves in relation to others. This is the psychological function of self-esteem, and it evolves and develops throughout our lives. Our early primary relationships with our parents and family, or those who bring us up, lay the foundations for a structure subsequently shaped by the stimuli of our first experiences of socialization at school, the trials and tribulations of adolescence and our integration into the adult world of friendship, love, work and vocation. Biological maturity together with a greater or lesser degree of psychological independence can result in the best possible expression of our self-esteem, which is to say, the right level of clarity about our possibilities and limitations. Otherwise we fall headlong into a precarious existence governed by delusions.
Self-esteem and anxiety
The extent to which our view of our innate value is appropriate and fair will determine our view of the future we want for ourselves, in whatever aspect of life this may be. Self-esteem founded on a well-adjusted assignation of values means that our experience of anxiety works in our favor, becoming the driver in our ambition to reach our goal and helping us to plan and design the right method to get there.
It is important to realize that the way in which we see ourselves is triggered by the extent to which the real situation we are living evokes this and gives it meaning.
If our concept of identity is mainly tied to low self-esteem, anybody who stands in judgment before us, whether teacher, colleague or audience, will be exalted and empowered inasmuch as they threaten our well-being. The experience of vulnerability is permeated by the continuous loop of anxiety-anguish-panic, and most likely, we will be overtaken by inhibition: mental block, postural paralysis, dry mouth, a stutter or inability to speak, in short, a thousand ways of saying “I’m scared-get me out of here”. This is like a dwarf (us) taking on a giant (others).
If we identify with an inflated sense of self-esteem, our experience of omnipotence will be our number one ally. Although it drives us to act, at times to be rash, it also makes it much harder for us to be humble enough to learn and strengthen the qualities we need to give a truly successful performance. The contest here is between a paper giant (us) and dwarves who are not in reality so small (others).
At one extreme or the other, anxiety as a state in which to tackle the situation facing us means activating conscious and unconscious mechanisms to achieve the rational and total control of all the variables in play, whether real or imaginary, with the illusion of removing all elements of uncertainty from the equation. This involves a huge emotional effort which brings us irrevocably up against the fateful futility of any attempt in this direction.
Whether we stand in the shoes of the dwarf or the giant, we are still in the clutches of what we assume to be other people’s high expectations of us, a perfect performance. As dwarves, we are probably absolutely convinced that we will fail. As giants, our distorted self-image has us believe that we are truly outstanding, an illusion which will sooner or later falter, plunging us into frustration and a deep sense of unfairness.
The ever-changing and constant pressure in our lives of this benchmark called self-esteem means it is really hard to discriminate objectively between giftedness, talent and potential on the one hand and shortcomings which may be mitigated or not, on the other.
It is from this distorted perspective that we deposit in the arbitrary success or failure of our activity or desires our integral value as people. Thus, a successful, mediocre or bad performance will define how we evaluate ourselves: “I’m a total failure. I’m amazing.”For instance, if we hit a block in my academic, professional and even personal career, whether as singer or actor, or parent or partner, this is taken to mean that “I’m no good at anything (for ever). And if we do well, this means “I’m a genius (for ever)”.
Self-esteem and tools for change
Although everything described so far could be tinted with a pathological hue and thus be profoundly discouraging for the reader, it is key to point out that we always have the possibility to bring about change and exit our current state. We always have the opportunity to enjoy our lives so much more. This is why it is important to emphasize that although the unit we use to measure our value called Self-esteem is the result of our history of relationships, this does not mean we cannot change it. Clearly, the past cannot be changed, but the present can and thus the future. But this can only happen if we take steps to understand ourselves and accept ourselves for what we are so that we can change. We need to find the best tools available to add to our arsenal of resources so that we are better armed to tackle the challenges that face us.
When we talk of resources, we mean the ability to transform the following into tools we can put to good practical use:
A persistent and committed psychological approach (reflection, introspection, psychotherapy) aimed at unfolding and broadening our potential whether for being creative, for love or for solidarity, in addition to discovering untapped talents.
- The willingness to actively explore ourselves beyond the material and emotional boundaries of the known, often the sum of stereotype and prejudice and hence discouraging. As ceaseless investigators, any information whether circumstantial or relevant should alert us to be receptive.
- The systematic and regular incorporation of formal knowledge, rigorous discipline and training in the activity or profession we seek to master.
Mastery is taken to be a synonym of solvency, and thus a state of greater tranquility arising from emotional receptiveness and self-esteem when it comes to development and the challenges of dealing with the unexpected. This also means mindfully living in the present and enjoying what it is that we do. Mastery means the clear certainty that our whole being is not about to founder just because the sea is a little choppy. It is about accepting that these are the rules of the game… of life. Finally, it is also about relearning to see ourselves and thus love and tolerate ourselves. This is a crucially important psychological instance which empowers us naturally to feel hopeful of achieving change and taking ownership of what we historically have always felt to be unattainable.
Margarita Fabello
Master in Psychology